A free ticket is a free right…right?
If you missed out on purchasing Coachella tickets this year, fret no more! The stupidly expensive ticket prices and waiting rooms may have set you back, but one Craiglister is giving you the opportunity to go for FREE! You heard right, free; but even free items can come with a catch. This catch just so happens to include a list of 20 demands.
The original ad (now removed) was written by a 56-year-old man named “Gordon” of West Covina, California. Gordon is just looking for a travel companion. Or something like that.
Good ol’ Gordon opens up his ad by explaining a little bit about himself,
Ok here’s the deal. I have a VIP Pass for Weekend 2. I’m willing to give it away for free to the right person. I’m looking for a travel “companion” that can enjoy the festival with me and just have a good time. I left my job as Supervising Manager at Soup Plantation and subsequently divorced my wife of 11 years.
This has clearly already begun on a good foot. He continues,
I cashed out my 401k and decided that moving forward, my life is all about having fun! No more team meetings, no more employee evaluations, no more balance sheets, no more darn conference calls at 7am. JUST FUN! I have a room at the Tropics Motor Motel in Indio Thursday through Monday. If you believe you can meet the below criteria, please shoot me an email and describe why you think you make the best fit. I appreciate your time and look forward to finding the right “one”!
Now, if none of this has turned you off from accepting this strange offer, you may want to watch a couple of crime shows. Yet if by some means you’re still thinking “a free ticket is a free ticket,” you may want to read this list of demands first.
1. Must be female between the ages of 19 and 25.
Being a female age 19-25 with a father the same age as Gordon, I am going to excuse myself from accepting this particular ticket, and this is just demand number one.
2. Must be comfortable traveling in a Recreational Vehicle (Vintage Shasta Chinook 3100 – pic attached).
3. Must have fashionable sense of style in the vein of typical coachella goer (i.e. cute indian headband, small ripped jean shorts, lots of colorful bracelets, etc).
4. Preferably have a playlist of various Coachella artists on phone we can listen to on ride over.
5. Must keep hands and feet moisturized at all times.
6. Must be open-minded and opportunistic.
7. Must be ok with public hand-holding (perhaps during certain sensual songs and while walking into the festival initially).
8. Fingernails and Toenails must be nicely painting and harmonious with general color scheme of outfit.
I am starting to slowly feel that Gordon has a foot fetish…yet we march on.
9. I will provide snacks such as beef jerky and peanut butter sandwiches but if you have additional snacks and/or drinks…BIG BONUS!
10. Being social is fine but no excessive fraternizing with other male festival-goers, and most definitely NO PUBLIC AFFECTION with other festival-goers (violation of this rule results in immediate removal of Tropic Motor Motel room privileges and maybe even return ride).
11. Periodic moments of extended eye contact.
Oh boy! Extended eye contact!
12. Allow me to brush your hair once per day (not mandatory, but encouraged).
13. Must not be into drugs, pot ok.
I know I would not be able to do this without copious amounts of drugs.
14. Must take a minimum of four photos of us together and post them to your Instigram account.
“Instigram”…I mean, it’s not Instagram, so I guess no one would see the photos that way, right?
15. Any personal grooming such as toenail clipping, eyebrow plucking or lipstick application must be done in my presence.
16. At least once during festival, you must allow me to carry you on my shoulders so you can see stage better (perfect time for instigram photo!)
17. At least twice during festival you must tell me in a playful manner that “I am naughty”.
I am having a hard time continuing to write these demands, as somehow, they do in fact get worse.
18. At some point in time during the festival you must tell me that “you didn’t know how this would go, but you’re actually having a really good time”.
19. At least once during our stay after your shower, you must use the steam to write a cute message on the bathroom mirror for me to find later when I shower.
20. Must be ready to party and HAVE FUN!
So do we have any takers?